If you're a regular reader, you know about the past couple of years and the faith growing experiences we've been through as a family. If you've read my posts, "
Plans {Part 1}" and "
Plans {Part 2}," you know the feelings I've had and the work God has done in and on my heart. Well...He just keeps working on me.
I've really been struggling lately with planning for the future and wanting to know exactly what's going to happen. Hmmm Amanda, you'd think after seeing God work in your life time and time again, you'd know better than to think that you're in control. I'm also dealing with really feeling guilty about doing anything for myself...exercising, going on a date with my hubster, or spending time with friends. Doing this stuff takes me away from my girls and I'm already away from them for the majority of the day as it is. I hate taking even more time away from them to do any of these things. Therefore, exercise gets the shaft the majority of the time, Paul and I rarely go on dates, and I never see or spend time with friends. Basically, and if I can be blunt here, it sucks to feel like that. Apparently, I still have some work to do.
I was talking to my favorite dad about my worries and feelings of guilt, and he reminded me that guilt should only come when someone has done something wrong. Exercising, going on dates with Paul, and spending time with my friends are all healthy things for me. Doing those things makes me a better wife and mommy. They help me feel refreshed. Duh Amanda. I mean really. Duh. I, of course, know all of this, but I really think the idiot from the depths of the abyss, otherwise known as hell, really likes to make me feel guilty for doing those things. I think he'd like for me to believe that I wouldn't be as good of a mom, or the girls might resent me one day for doing those things. I know it all sounds so ridiculous. So, all of that to say, I'm going to be fighting against those feelings. I want to be healthy and set an example of a healthy lifestyle for my girls. I want to date my husband. The girls need to see that their parents love to spend time away from them. One day, it will be just us again, so it's important that we continue to grow in our marriage. I want to have fun with my friends. I want the girls to see examples of good friendships. Doing these things for myself will benefit my marriage and my little ladies. Adios guilt.
I've also been really concerned lately with the future. I would love to be able to stay at home again one day. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was suppose to work this year. God made that abundantly clear. I also know that if I can't be at home, I want to be teaching. I love teaching. I love the kids. I love my co-workers. The problem is that I'm already thinking about next year and what will happen. Will I work? Will I stay home? I want that to be answered now. Seriously? You would think that I would know by now that God is in control. He paves our path. He provides. He has our names written on the palm of His hand. Obviously, I have short term memory. My dad talked to me about worry and reminded me about how God takes care of the ravens and the wild flowers and how we are so much more valuable to him than they are. Worrying about the future does nothing for us.
22 Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23 Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life[b]? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
27 “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! 29 And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30 For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. Luke 12:22-31
Do I trust Him? Obviously I need to work on it. Big time.
I'm not one to talk about this kind of stuff without crying a few tears...and I was crying them that night when I was talking to dad. He gave me, as usual, encouragement and a better way to look at things, but the story doesn't end there. As we were finishing up our conversation, Gracie Claire walked up to us. She looked right at me and said, "Mommy, I have a verse that will help you. 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.'" Guess who was doing her ugly cry? If you guessed me, then you get a gold star. God is amazing in how He uses your children to teach you. My sweet little girl encouraged her mama that night and helped remind me that God has us. He has never let us go, and He never will.
